看不見未來, 未來掌握在自己手中

突然發覺我被考試的壓力壓得很low.. 而我發覺這壓力是我自己給自己的 then I realise why I give myself such a big pressure.. 因為I bank my future on it. 我想每個人對未來都有朣景, I guess when I failed my exam last yr 我很後悔 後悔我又浪費了一年的時間 現在的工作沒有很有挑戰性 我想要做的工作需要我考過這個試才有機會去取得 所以我好擔心我這次又過不了, then I am stuck with this job, 給自己好大的壓力 過去這一年因為考試加上種種原因我把我的生命停擺了, I put it on hold, 我把希望都放在一個人的身上(很不公平的) 結果最後當這個希望不如預期時 I got so miserable.. I can't see the future anymore.. I lost all the self-confidence which I was so proud (and sometimes too cocky) of.. So scared and so vulnerable.. at this moment nothing changed, I still cant see the future, still got to study (but at least it'll be over soon until next yr then one more level to go.....) but I just wanted to write this down for some reason. Maybe just so one day I can reflect back on, but mostly because to remind myself of the lesson I've learnt from all this.. I am not sure what that is tbh.. but I know I'll never put my life on hold anymore, I hate standing still.. I need to progress, if I am not then I feel I lose the purpose for existence.. and I know I can progress because that's what I do best :p I blame studying for giving me the enourmous pressure but at the same time I realise if I bank my future on this exam then I NEED to study and make sure I don't fail, no matter how dreadful this process is... (basically no life except work and study), I guess in the end I realise I can see the future if I actually do something about it, take matters in my own hand.. quit being a whiner, quit feeling sorry for myself quite being a baby.. and get this stupid exam over and done with! and hopefully this is the last I'll ever feel this shit.. or not.. :p